The Real Estate Industry Has Specialized Terminology Which May Sound Like Code Words in a Particular Communicative Context & May Not Always Be Clearly Understood. The Below Glossary Is Offered in Jest Along With a Chuckle or Two
Address - What a houseware.
Below Market - Nobody wants it.
Bright & Sunny - Window treatments missing; no blinds, shades, drapes, curtains, shutters, sheers, louvers, or slats. No coverings whatsoever.
Build Sweat Equity - Needs renovation from the studs up. See Good Bones.
Charmer - Old.
Charming - Small.
City Living - Exterior doors have 3 deadbolts.
Close to Beach - Impossible to park within 5 blocks.
Comfortable - Extremely small.
Compact - No room larger than 9 x 6.
Contemporary Feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
Convenient to Shopping - Next to strip mall.
Convenient to Freeway - Next to the on-ramp.
Conveniently Located - Ear plugs required.
Country Charm - No indoor plumbing. See Useful Outbuildings.
Country Living - Distances are measured in hours.
Cozy - Too small for human habitation.
Cul-de-sac - Fancy dead-end living.
Cute - Tiny.
Delightful Rural Location - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
Diamond in the Rough - Upside of a rundown property.
Dirty, Ugly, Smelly - Dirty, ugly, smelly.
Dollhouse Adorable - Nauseatingly cute.
Easy to Show - All doors were removed.
Extensively Modernized - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
Extra Storage - Three wall hooks.
For the Gardening Enthusiast - Yard is a jungle. See Natural Landscaping.
Freshly Painted - Single coat of whatever discontinued color was on sale.
Friendly Neighborhood - Infested with busybodies.
Good Bones - Needs renovation from the studs up.
Intimate - Smaller than charming.
Handyman Special - Ready to collapse, don't go in without boots on.
Home Sickness - Reoccurring feeling when mortgage is due.
Homeology - The study of real estate.
Intimate - Smaller than cozy.
Light Open Spaces - Many large holes in walls & ceiling.
Living Room - The place zombies are most attracted to.
Local Authority Grants Available - About to be condemned.
Long Hallways – Home feature that truckers most prefer.
Lots - What you need to know to excel at selling vacant land.
Low Maintenance - No yard.
Lower Level Game Room - Ping Pong table over basement sewer grate.
Mint - Mouthwash spilled on carpet.
Mortgage - Some dream to pay it off while others dream to get one. See Home Sickness.
Mortgage Broker - A real estate broker without a sense of humor.
Motivated Seller - Been on market for 14 years.
Move-in Condition - Front door missing.
Much Sought After - Has been on market twice before & still no one wants it.
Natural Landscaping - Yard is a jungle.
Needs TLC - Major structural damage, code for fall through floor.
Nice Condition - Needs paint.
Not a Drive by - No curb appeal, look for a “Property Condemned” sign.
Offered “as Is” - Money pit.
Old World Charm - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning, has cobwebs.
Open Floor Plan - Previous owner removed all supporting walls.
Original Owner - No upgrades since the year it was built.
Outstanding - Painted bright purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.
Partial Central Heating - The room above the boiler gets warm in summer.
Plenty of Parking – Stadium across the street.
Potential - Will cost more.
Prestigious - Expensive.
Property - What a British real estate agent cares most about.
Rare Opportunity to Buy - Nobody else wants it.
Realtor® - Someone in constant need of closure.
Repossessed - How the haunted house escaped foreclosure.
Secluded - Far far away. See Country Living.
Security System - Neighbor has a dog.
Seller Motivated - Must sell prior to defaulting on mortgage.
Sophisticated City Living - Next to noisy bar.
Sprinklers Broken-on - Constant source of irrigation. See Waterfront.
Sunken Tub – Floor not level.
Surveyor - King Arthur's knight who determined property boundaries.
Tenants - How many insects it takes to make a rental profitable.
Unique - Remodeled by someone tripping on LSD.
Unspoiled - Previous owner made zero upgrades or improvements.
Unusual Features - No roof.
Unusual Location - Directly in path of proposed freeway.
Updated Kitchen - Sink no longer overflows.
Useful Outbuildings - No inside toilet. See Country Charm.
Waterfront - Broken sprinkler in the front yard.
Water View - Need a ladder & binoculars.
Well Situated - In full view of the neighbors.
